demonicbookworm

No, that’s not it! I do— I mean, I wouldn’t just do that if I didn’t...

[ that’s not true. he would. he has, because he was manipulated or because someone’s life was at stake. he shakes his head, almost whimpering at his own hopeless situation. ]

I meant... you went looking for love, and you found it. So, I probably should apologize to that person... or those people... and you.

[ and not go any further, because romance and love are grounds for expulsion from the SSS.

he mouths some of the thoughts burdening him but never speaks them, pulling away to look up at Ruca and embrace him instead. ]

So... hold on. Have I ever told you why I say love is forbidden for people like me?

But you are one of these people, Otonashi. And I wanted it, so you have nothing to apologize for.

[He tries to speak more firmly, because apparently he's not getting the point across.]

...No. You've never told me.

But there’s a lot to love about you, so someone is going to have an issue with you wanting me, and me just kissing you like that when I’ve been intimate with people I couldn’t even be with as a partner, so that’s...

[ it made sense in his head, in a warped sort of way. he imagines someone rolling their eyes when Ruca presents Otonashi.

oh, that kid and his group. the one that goes on about being dead, like it matters. it doesn’t matter here. he worries people. he’s a delinquent. stupid martyr complex. idiot. moron.

it had twisted so quickly into a lot of senseless noise that he struggles to come up with a complete response. dishonest. he looks dishonest. that’s the clearest, closest thought he can come up with. ]

Right... love is forbidden. [ he focuses on that instead. ] ... Because the world I’m from will react if you were to find love and try to be with that person. One of you, or maybe both of you, would be obliterated from the afterlife. It’s... kind of a long story.

[ and probably not one Ruca especially wants to hear. ]

[Again he looks surprised.]

About me? No... There's a lot to love about you, you know? You're the best... [He tries to smile.] And... that other person is Tanjiro and I already talked about this with him. He doesn't have a problem with it...

[He wonders if he should maybe talk about this with Otonashi first, but then again, he didn't think he felt this strongly about Tanjiro until the other boy kissed him.

He frowns sadly at Otonashi's explanation.]

...But it's not your world. I won't disappear and I won't let you disappear either. I promise.

Ruca...

[ shaking his head, he leans back enough to take one of Ruca’s hands firmly within his own, holding it against his own chest. obviously, they had misunderstood each other in a rather impressive way earlier; he feels obligated now to correct for it. ]

You’re one of the only people who has always just... listened to me if I say something. You don’t make me feel like a complete idiot, even when I’ve earned it.

[ he can take some of the offhanded jokes at his expense in stride. he makes them too, and he cannot fault people for partaking in something that he himself has been guilty of, so he doesn’t. ]

You just try really hard to make people happy... so I thought, maybe, you’d tell me that you only let me try kissing you to make me happy. I know how... how easy it is to give parts of yourself away when you see someone who needs you.

Edited 2020-09-20 16:50 (UTC)

I want to make you happy.

[It's a sincere confession, but then he smiles as if to confirm that it is not what Otonashi thinks.]

But I'm not sacrificing myself to do it. I... I really like you. I want to be with you.

[He said it in the past when Otonashi was pained by the bad experience. And maybe even back then he was already feeling something more than friendship and companionship towards Otonashi.]

Yeah... I know you do.

[ he speaks gently, barely above a whisper. ]

I don’t think you have it in you to lie about... much of anything. Especially not love. You? You’re too romantic to even think of it.

[ logically, he knows that should be the end of it, but he looks between Ruca and the wall, trying to shake off lingering nerves and actually say some of what remains on his mind. ] I...

[As Otonashi trails off, Ruca waits for him to continue. But there is nothing else coming.]

...Does that mean you're okay with this?

[He's trying to ask gently, softly.

If Otonashi is okay with how weird and complicated this relationship may get, then Ruca will be all too happy to give his heart to him.]

Edited 2020-09-20 20:24 (UTC)

Ah... I care about you a lot, Ruca.

[ he leans in a little, trying to rest his cheek gently against Ruca’s shoulder. ]

I kind of... have a bad record, though, don’t you think? So, I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not... scared. And I think I’ve made myself an idiot of myself in front of Tanjiro already...

[He brings his hand up to softly brush Otoinashi's hair with his fingers.]

I know, but... I want to change it. [He wants to fix that bad record.] And I don't think Tanjiro would think about you like that.

[He closes his eyes.]

Have I told you how I met him? We were supposed to catch some monsters that were causing trouble, but I accidental caught him instead... What was even worse, he turned into a fox because of me catching him and I was looking after him until he turned back to normal. [He laughs lightly.] I was sure he's going to be mad at me once he comes back to normal... but he wasn't.

Maybe not, because he’s nice like you. At least, he’d never say it... also like you.

[ letting his eyes gently shut again, Otonashi can easily acknowledge and understand how people like Tanjiro and Ruca could get along and find passion in one another. they’re very similar. ]

He didn’t seem like the type to get mad about a mistake like that, no. You two would be good for each other. I, uh... I approve.

[ not that Ruca asked for that. ]

He wouldn't think that, I'm sure of it!

[For some reason he's very sure of it, maybe because the two of them are so alike.]

But I feel that he's a lot like you, too.

[He smiles with a soft blush appearing on his face.]

You're really okay with this?

Edited 2020-09-20 22:00 (UTC)

Uh, maybe a little, yeah. He’s a big brother, too—

[ for Ruca’s sake, he maintains his balance and his smile, with nothing but stubborn resolve keeping him completely together. Ruca looks so happy. Otonashi has no right to trample on that when the other teen’s ventures into love and genuine happiness had been hard won, too. ]

I’m okay with the choices you make, Ruca. You don’t need me to approve them, but I already did, so, uh...

[ Otonashi likes Tanjiro, and Ruca getting together with him is hardly a surprise. still, Otonashi fails to directly address his part of things. it’s too pointed, too soon. while his gentle words of approval are genuine, they are all he can do to cover up his apprehension and deep fears twisting him to the core.

he knows it shouldn’t be this way. ]

Hah, you must be really tired of just sitting here with me, why don’t I get up and get you something..?

[The smile on his face doesn't last long, replaced by uncertainty. Otonashi's words are still not answering his question, because the other boy seems to refuse to acknowledge his own part in all of this.

That doesn't sit well with Ruca.]

But what about you?

[He wraps his arms tightly around the other boy, then he tries to urge Otonashi to lie down on his back. Ruca doesn't look at him, his face is buried into the other's shoulder.]

I promise I won't abandon you, I don't want you to ever feel alone either. And... don't go anywhere. Stay with me just a bit longer... please?

[He's so selfish in all of this. He knows that.]

What about me?

[ that very idea, the casual dismissal of himself in favor of others, could be applied to so much of his behavior. ]

I’m here... I wasn’t going to leave you behind.

[ get up and move around, yes, but completely abandon Ruca when he looks so vulnerable? he couldn’t possibly. combing through Ruca’s hair with his fingers, he lets out a quivering sigh. ]

I need a little time... I don’t know how long I’ve been out, my legs still feel weird, this is a lot to take in... I have a lot of catching up to do.

[ and, he never quite says aloud, he’s more frightened about the idea than he would like to admit. he’d felt deep love, only to have it pulled so completely and cleanly from him that he hadn’t known how to process it. ]

[He nods a little against the other boy.]

Of course. Take your time.

[He pushes himself up just so he could look at Otonashi. His face goes a little red when he realizes that he's lying on top of the other by now.]

Let me... make you something to eat. And some tea. And then when you feel better you can make a dinner for us or something. How does that sound?

[He's speaking faster than usually, but he really wants to make this as fair as possible without making Otonashi push himself.]

[ Otonashi is close enough to Ruca to feel the heat of the other teen’s face going red before he can process what he sees, Otonashi’s cheeks coloring over with softer notes of pink in turn. he might have squirmed or moved more if he had the strength for it, but in the absence of it he looks away, trying to collect himself enough to speak sensibly.

he can’t deny that the connection feels comfortable and that there is something to be said for the soothing effect of weight keeping him still.

how nice it would be to just stay like this and drift off again. ]

Tea..?

[ of all the things swirling about his head right now, Otonashi has to focus on just one: the simplest, and the most likely to get him speaking more easily and effectively. he quickly becomes intimately aware all over again of how dry his mouth feels. ]

Edited (me being all indecisive ahh) 2020-09-23 18:08 (UTC)

Then tea it is!

[He quickly stands up from the bed, but leaving Otonashi like this doesn't feel right. And so Ruca leans down and presses a very quick, soft kiss to the redhead's forehead.

And then he's gone, suddenly feeling nervous about everything. He tries to calm his heart, but it's not that easy.

Tea... he needs to make tea.]

Edited 2020-09-25 22:16 (UTC)

[ Ruca stands so quickly that Otonashi can’t help but to suspect some panic, though he never speaks about it directly, silenced with a tiny, chaste kiss left on his forehead. it’s sweet, innocent, and very characteristic of Ruca, he thinks.

the redhead is still for a minute or so, staring up at the ceiling more intently than he needs to and gripping and releasing the blankets to test his coordination and strength in minor ways.

it’s frustrating. revival never functioned like this, slow and partial and leaving him anything less than fully healed. when he manages to move one of his toes, Otonashi begins to maneuver himself to the edge of bed, so certain that if he could just make himself more mobile, maybe his body would sort itself out. is the problem a lack of circulation? his blood isn’t congealed in places, is it? what a miserable thought.

he has to contemplate this from the floor, where he inevitably ends up after falling. ]

If I have to actually die to function again, I’m going to... I don’t know, file a formal complaint...

[There's a happy smile on his face and a light blush as he enters the room... and quickly sheer terror overtakes his expression. Ruca almost drops the tea as he rushes towards Otonashi.

...Then he actually puts the mug on the nearest shelf before he kneels down, looking the other boy over with worry.]

A-are you okay? What happen?

[Gently, Ruca positions the other so it would be easier to lift him and then he carries him back to the bed.]

It looks like you still need more time...

[He is very worried.]

I fell when I tried to stand up.

[ that much is likely obvious from the way he’s positioned.

as Ruca moves in to shift him around, Otonashi shakes his head as if to insist against it, futile as the effort will likely be. he already troubles Ruca enough, but still the other teen gathers him up rather effortlessly.

curiously, a small patch of crystallization that had formed on his arms begins to dissolve when Ruca carries him off to bed. ]

I thought if I tried moving more, maybe I’d be able to feel my legs again. This isn’t how it’s supposed to work when we die! It was always pretty fast to revive, and with none of this weird soreness or numbness...

[ because dying and reviving is just a thing that happens enough for him to casually outline how it should be. ] I don’t get it...

Edited 2020-09-30 05:39 (UTC)

[Ruca looks at him, while cupping his own chin in thought. Then he sits on the bed and blushing, leans close to the other boy.]

I think this may work like everything else here...

[Meaning thy have to touch... a lot.

Since that confession happened, it somehow feels a little more awkward now, but Ruca still presses himself close to Otonashi and wraps his arms around him gently.]

I'll... stay like this for a while, okay?

[ Ruca’s conclusion is a sensible one, as much as he struggles with the thought of being hindered by it. he had nearly died of his own choice once, his body crystallizing and his consciousness leaving him shortly after a tall, pale, white-haired man appeared.

”Do you wish to survive?”

he remembers spitting a dry, sarcastic and inappropriate joke back.

shaking his head—shaking off the old memory—he settles his cheek against Ruca’s shoulder, the other teen’s white hair brushing against his skin and drawing a smile out of him. ]

Yeah... I thought I could figure it out by myself, but... thank you. [ Ruca is always so kind, thoughtful despite Otonashi’s reckless behavior. too thoughtful, too attached to forgive the man that had abducted him so long ago, even after Otonashi himself had. ]

Hey... Could I try again? [ he asks in a tone just above a whisper, never clarifying what he means. ]

[Ruca blinks against the other's shoulder, then pulls away just enough to give him a concerned look.]

I think it's too early for you to try and walk again.

[Obviously, this is what Otonashi means, right? Ruca fails to connect any other meanings to this soft request.]

What? No, not that again...

[ it would have helped if he had specified anything, but there’s no sense in lingering on it. ]

I worried you earlier. [ and he’s continuing to worry Ruca via not being able to walk, but that piece is outside of his control. leaning in a little closer, he brushes his cheek against Ruca’s in a sort of nuzzling motion. ]

That stupid misunderstanding we had? You thought I didn’t like you. So... can I try again?

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oh no I guess they’ll have to cuddle more and maybe kiss again, a tragedy

a beautiful tragedy

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