demonicbookworm

[ while he cannot exactly hear the beating of Ruca’s heart, he can feel the light pulse running through his neck and the heat in his face, urging him to place a gentle, curious hand against the other teen’s chest to cover it. his pace slows with his breathing as he tries to calm Ruca, taking the silent cues, focusing and following them.

his movements are always gentle, because they always had been when he operated the way he should without the world coercing him or intervening. gentle is what Otonashi fundamentally is with others, and by now he had at least enough experience to know that proceeding slowly is safer, better, even if the other party gets frustrated with him for it.

safer, but not safe enough, perhaps. he pulls away slightly, brushing his tongue lightly over Ruca’s lips to sever any saliva trail between them. ]

[Every kiss is different. That's what Ruca realizes as he melts under Otonashi's gentleness. In this very moment everything is so warm and soft, but he can't help wondering if Otonashi feels the same.

The boy takes a sharp breath when he feels the tongue against his lips and his dazed mind finally starts connecting to the reality again. His face is bright red, but soon he looks at Otonashi with worry.]

Otonashi, I-I... I need to tell you something.

[The worry on his face changes into fear. He doesn't want to hurt Otonashi. He cares about the other so much, his heart would break if Otonashi suffered because of him. But this is also why he needs to tell him everything.

Just like Tanjiro said it's best if everyone's on the same page.]

[ the worry seeping into Ruca’s expression isn’t lost on him. pulling back a little more, Otonashi shuts his eyes, telling himself to keep breathing if only to not worry Ruca further. if the tension shows too much, Ruca may not say what he needs to.

swallowing the anticipated rejection with a weary, forced smile, he lets his hands drop to his lap, holding his own stomach for his own support and to act as a barrier, if it’s needed. he can flee and give space quickly. ]

Sure... You can tell me anything.

[It's hard not to notice how Otonashi's behaviour changes as if bracing for something and Ruca immediately reaches out to grasp his hand as he tries to move closer again.

For a moment he doesn't know how to say it without unintentionally hurting the other boy so he tries to explain himself by asking first:]

Would it be... okay for me to love more than one person?

[He drops his gaze as if admitting to something shameful.]

I know you said that having... relationships with multiple people is a better option here, but... I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me.

Ruca, I’m fine... [ he has to dig for it, but for Ruca, he manages to find the strength to brighten his smile and outwardly perk up. ]

I told you that being with one person seemed dangerous in a place like this, where contact is survival and more intimate contact is... like life-saving treatment.

[ his smile falters here, his eyes tightly shutting again.

”You didn’t come over to talk.”

he remembers her resisting, her instability, her trying to tease him. banter had been easier, so he’d used it as a litmus to gauge how she was feeling in a way that felt safe. he didn’t know what he was doing. he still doesn’t.

he never does. what a bitter, miserable thought he tries to smile through anyway, adjusting his support over his stomach even as Ruca reaches for his hand. ]

So if that’s what you’re doing, then you’re just being smart about the reality here. I know it’s not your idea of love... I’m sorry. Sorry I had to be the one to break it to you.

[ while he is genuine, his tone soft and even, he cannot be completely remorseful about the reality of life here. Ruca had to know, and it’s better he learn gently than feel the sting of betrayal. ]

I told you, it’s... forbidden for me either way. Hah.

Edited 2020-09-20 13:18 (UTC)

[He shakes his head.]

It's not what I'm doing at all. I... want to be with you but... there's one more person I want to be with. [He frowns to himself. He's already talked about it with Tanjiro, he made himself clear.

And he doesn't buy that it's forbidden for Otonashi. Shouldn't the rules be different here?]

I know it's selfish of me to even ask such a thing, but... would it be okay? Would you be fine with it?

[He cracks a smile.]

You're right that it's not what I wanted love to be like... But the same time, I really feel that strongly about you and that other person. It's selfish of me to be with both of you, but right now I... I really can't imagine my life without you two.

[Tanjiro told him that these feeling had to be true and Ruca wants to believe in it no matter what.]

It’s not selfish. Isn’t that what I told you to do? Go try to find someone you like.

[ he had asked Ruca for three things: to forgive zaShunina, to go find people to love, and if it would be permissible for him to attempt a gesture of love while Otonashi had his own mind, uninfluenced, and not under pressure to spare someone’s life.

for a moment, he hadn’t been thinking, and just as before, it had been so pleasant not to. it’s the very feeling he pined for and mourned upon being disconnected from zaShunina: a space in which nothing was expected and he could feel rather than string together wholly conscious thoughts. ]

So you’re just doing what feels right to you, and I’m...

[ trying it out, but expecting to get burned every step of the way. the sentiment never manages to find voice, neatly kept within his whirlwind of thoughts. ]

Um. Am I... apologizing to someone for kissing you? Multiple people? I can do that. If they need to throw a lamp at my face or something, then—

[ .... an out of control, hazardous whirlwind of thoughts. ]

I found people I like.

[It wasn't influenced by anything else, just pure feelings and longing to be with his special people. It's almost amazing how fond he is towards them and how deeply he cares about them.

He brings himself closer in order to touch Otonashi's forehead with his own.

...But then upon hearing the other's words he blinks and pulls away a little.]

What...? No, why would you...

[He blinks again and an idea pops in his head. Maybe Otonashi doesn't want to be with him like that. It makes sense. He said he was tired, tired of people wanting something from him. And now Ruca wants to take something from him too, he wants love, care and attention even though he got so much of that from Otonashi already.]

...Ah, o-of course... [He lets go of Otonashi's hand.] ...Of course you don't want me.... I-I'm so sorry, I assumed...

[Now his cheeks start burning out of pure shame. He's always jumped to conclusion before actually making sure.]

Because—

[ Ruca finally releases his hand, he’s certain the inevitable rejection he had been waiting for his coming in the next breath.

”No, I’ll tell them myself,” he can imagine Ruca saying, never one to miss an opportunity to apologize for a perceived slight. ”They’ll only throw a blanket at my face. That way you don’t get hit with a bookshelf for coming onto me.”

Otonashi can even imagine Ruca’s face going pure white in horror at the thought of someone abusing a bookshelf in such a way to use as a weapon. truly a terrible fate.

the response he gets instead catches him completely by surprise, enough to make his breathing cut out and leaving him utterly dumbfounded. ]

... Ah? What?! Are you being serious right now?! I can’t believe this...

[Now Ruca is surprised by the response he gets from Otonashi. He looks up, eyes wide and head slightly titled to the side.]

I... I am serious. [He blinks a few times in confusion.] I don't understand...

[Did he mess everything up even more?]

I-I really am sorry. I never meant to push my feelings on you...

[Obviously, he needs to explain himself and apologize.]

Why would I ask to kiss you if I didn’t want to?!

[ smacking his head into Ruca’s shoulder a bit more firmly than intended, Otonashi lets out a heavy, agonized breath. ]

And then why would I go through with it just to say, “nevermind, I don’t like you at all actually, I’m just going to wait for you to reject me and run off with your gaggle of loves...” It’s too stupid, even by SSS standards! Don’t tell me you really think I’d do something like that..?!

Ah...!

[He lets a startled noise when Otonashi presses his head against his shoulder.]

A-ah, w-well... I said all those things, but your only response was "who should I apologize to?"

[There's a small pout on his face.]

So I thought maybe you don't feel the same about me as I do about you...

No, that’s not it! I do— I mean, I wouldn’t just do that if I didn’t...

[ that’s not true. he would. he has, because he was manipulated or because someone’s life was at stake. he shakes his head, almost whimpering at his own hopeless situation. ]

I meant... you went looking for love, and you found it. So, I probably should apologize to that person... or those people... and you.

[ and not go any further, because romance and love are grounds for expulsion from the SSS.

he mouths some of the thoughts burdening him but never speaks them, pulling away to look up at Ruca and embrace him instead. ]

So... hold on. Have I ever told you why I say love is forbidden for people like me?

But you are one of these people, Otonashi. And I wanted it, so you have nothing to apologize for.

[He tries to speak more firmly, because apparently he's not getting the point across.]

...No. You've never told me.

But there’s a lot to love about you, so someone is going to have an issue with you wanting me, and me just kissing you like that when I’ve been intimate with people I couldn’t even be with as a partner, so that’s...

[ it made sense in his head, in a warped sort of way. he imagines someone rolling their eyes when Ruca presents Otonashi.

oh, that kid and his group. the one that goes on about being dead, like it matters. it doesn’t matter here. he worries people. he’s a delinquent. stupid martyr complex. idiot. moron.

it had twisted so quickly into a lot of senseless noise that he struggles to come up with a complete response. dishonest. he looks dishonest. that’s the clearest, closest thought he can come up with. ]

Right... love is forbidden. [ he focuses on that instead. ] ... Because the world I’m from will react if you were to find love and try to be with that person. One of you, or maybe both of you, would be obliterated from the afterlife. It’s... kind of a long story.

[ and probably not one Ruca especially wants to hear. ]

[Again he looks surprised.]

About me? No... There's a lot to love about you, you know? You're the best... [He tries to smile.] And... that other person is Tanjiro and I already talked about this with him. He doesn't have a problem with it...

[He wonders if he should maybe talk about this with Otonashi first, but then again, he didn't think he felt this strongly about Tanjiro until the other boy kissed him.

He frowns sadly at Otonashi's explanation.]

...But it's not your world. I won't disappear and I won't let you disappear either. I promise.

Ruca...

[ shaking his head, he leans back enough to take one of Ruca’s hands firmly within his own, holding it against his own chest. obviously, they had misunderstood each other in a rather impressive way earlier; he feels obligated now to correct for it. ]

You’re one of the only people who has always just... listened to me if I say something. You don’t make me feel like a complete idiot, even when I’ve earned it.

[ he can take some of the offhanded jokes at his expense in stride. he makes them too, and he cannot fault people for partaking in something that he himself has been guilty of, so he doesn’t. ]

You just try really hard to make people happy... so I thought, maybe, you’d tell me that you only let me try kissing you to make me happy. I know how... how easy it is to give parts of yourself away when you see someone who needs you.

Edited 2020-09-20 16:50 (UTC)

I want to make you happy.

[It's a sincere confession, but then he smiles as if to confirm that it is not what Otonashi thinks.]

But I'm not sacrificing myself to do it. I... I really like you. I want to be with you.

[He said it in the past when Otonashi was pained by the bad experience. And maybe even back then he was already feeling something more than friendship and companionship towards Otonashi.]

Yeah... I know you do.

[ he speaks gently, barely above a whisper. ]

I don’t think you have it in you to lie about... much of anything. Especially not love. You? You’re too romantic to even think of it.

[ logically, he knows that should be the end of it, but he looks between Ruca and the wall, trying to shake off lingering nerves and actually say some of what remains on his mind. ] I...

[As Otonashi trails off, Ruca waits for him to continue. But there is nothing else coming.]

...Does that mean you're okay with this?

[He's trying to ask gently, softly.

If Otonashi is okay with how weird and complicated this relationship may get, then Ruca will be all too happy to give his heart to him.]

Edited 2020-09-20 20:24 (UTC)

Ah... I care about you a lot, Ruca.

[ he leans in a little, trying to rest his cheek gently against Ruca’s shoulder. ]

I kind of... have a bad record, though, don’t you think? So, I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not... scared. And I think I’ve made myself an idiot of myself in front of Tanjiro already...

[He brings his hand up to softly brush Otoinashi's hair with his fingers.]

I know, but... I want to change it. [He wants to fix that bad record.] And I don't think Tanjiro would think about you like that.

[He closes his eyes.]

Have I told you how I met him? We were supposed to catch some monsters that were causing trouble, but I accidental caught him instead... What was even worse, he turned into a fox because of me catching him and I was looking after him until he turned back to normal. [He laughs lightly.] I was sure he's going to be mad at me once he comes back to normal... but he wasn't.

Maybe not, because he’s nice like you. At least, he’d never say it... also like you.

[ letting his eyes gently shut again, Otonashi can easily acknowledge and understand how people like Tanjiro and Ruca could get along and find passion in one another. they’re very similar. ]

He didn’t seem like the type to get mad about a mistake like that, no. You two would be good for each other. I, uh... I approve.

[ not that Ruca asked for that. ]

He wouldn't think that, I'm sure of it!

[For some reason he's very sure of it, maybe because the two of them are so alike.]

But I feel that he's a lot like you, too.

[He smiles with a soft blush appearing on his face.]

You're really okay with this?

Edited 2020-09-20 22:00 (UTC)

Uh, maybe a little, yeah. He’s a big brother, too—

[ for Ruca’s sake, he maintains his balance and his smile, with nothing but stubborn resolve keeping him completely together. Ruca looks so happy. Otonashi has no right to trample on that when the other teen’s ventures into love and genuine happiness had been hard won, too. ]

I’m okay with the choices you make, Ruca. You don’t need me to approve them, but I already did, so, uh...

[ Otonashi likes Tanjiro, and Ruca getting together with him is hardly a surprise. still, Otonashi fails to directly address his part of things. it’s too pointed, too soon. while his gentle words of approval are genuine, they are all he can do to cover up his apprehension and deep fears twisting him to the core.

he knows it shouldn’t be this way. ]

Hah, you must be really tired of just sitting here with me, why don’t I get up and get you something..?

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