demonicbookworm

Because that would be the normal reaction I’d get.

[ he confesses easily, uncertain if he had ever plainly divulged the anger he receives for his actions or if he truly had managed to keep it neatly sheltered from Ruca. the frustration, born often of worry (but not always), had always been Otonashi’s to own, not Ruca’s.

Ruca had seen Lucy angry, upset, and (rightfully) disgusted with Otonashi. he couldn’t spare that instance. his grip weakens a little, an unspoken gesture of giving freedom to move away or feel something other than relief, if Ruca needs to. he had been so certain a punch or hit was coming his way. ]

I thought I was going to disappear, and... maybe you’d be angry with me for vanishing, too.

[But instead there's an anguished look on Ruca's face as the boy presses himself even closer to the other.]

Otonashi... I'd be sad if you vanished. I wouldn't be angry... because why would I be?

[Otonashi makes him worry and sometimes sad, but it's mostly because Ruca wants to help the other boy.]

I wish I could do something to protect you from all those horrible things that happen to you. I want you to be happy...

[ this time, Otonashi doesn’t press the issue or question why. he abstains from offering reasons why it would be fine, and he distinctly avoids mentioning offering to give up his placement here to spare someone else, knowing it’s beyond him. it would never be his decision to make.

holding Ruca against himself to try and comfort him, Otonashi shakes his head a little, letting his breath brush over the other teen’s hair. ]

I keep telling you not to worry about that, that it isn’t your responsibility... I just thought, maybe, this time... it was this place telling me it was my time to go.

[ and if it was his time to disappear, there’s something strangely poetic about his very being rebelling against it and clinging on to his body. he’s certain that if she’d been here to see it, Yuri would have been proud. ]

I’m pretty good at wasting lives. What a talent to have.

[Silent for a moment, Ruca breaths in and out slowly, taking in the warmth of the other boy, his solid presence.]

Then I'm glad it wasn't the case. I'm glad you're back.

[He pulls away just a little to look at the other.]

Thank you for being here.

[Suddenly he recalls similar words spoken to him. He remembers that when he woke up after he had been stabbed by Hasta, Spada was hugging him close and telling him how happy he was that Ruca was alive.

At that time Ruca felt his heart warming by the sentiment. It was the first time in his life when he felt that someone really wanted him around. If Ruca could only convey the same feeling with his words and actions, so Otonashi would realize that he is also loved and wanted by someone.]

... What?

[ Otonashi heard Ruca. he understands the meaning of the words being spoken to him on a fundamental level, but he finds that all he can do is stare back at the white-haired boy. there are no words of disparagement, no urgency for him to get up and return to normal and operate optimally, responsible for entirely too much and yet somehow not enough.

it was always more, more, more. give more. do more. he has to. he always had to, this should be no different. there should be anger, but there isn’t. he should be scolded for his absence, but it never comes. people want him, they need him. he knows that. he needs to be okay when people rely on him to be.

but love and being wanted without expectation is something else entirely. he isn’t sure when he feels tears at the edges of his eyes, but he brushes them away with the back of his hand. no. none of this. not again.

it’s foreign, but familiar. he’s felt all of it before. as much as he had tried to stop himself from tearing up again, they come faster, trailing down his cheeks as he continues to gaze at Ruca, stunned.

thank you. ]

Ruca..? I... I’ve been really, really stupid.

[Tears are a little unexpected to say the least, but it surprised Ruca only for a short moment. He bumps his nose lightly against Otonashi's and brings his hand up to gently wipe away the tears from the other's eyes.]

It's okay. Everything is okay.

[He brushes his thumb softly under Otonashi's eye again and again. Then he tries to smile a bit.]

You're here. Nothing else matters to me.

[ rather than fight against Ruca gently trying to dust his tears away, Otonashi closes his eyes. too tired to fight and seeing no benefit in trying to cast away kindness when he cannot hope to shield Ruca from knowing what had happened this time, he allows himself the freedom to relax.

in one deep sigh, he lets out all of his breath and just lets himself go still. it lasts only a short moment before he takes another breath in, but it gives him the time to steel himself. ]

I ... I didn’t mean to. [ to “die,” or to worry Ruca. in apologizing for something so completely out of his control—effectively, apologizing for his own death—Otonashi has given away his right to scold Ruca for apologies for at least a little while. ] I didn’t do anything or run into anyone, or get into trouble... I slept the night before, I ate, I didn’t do anything. I swear it, but— you really don’t have to believe me. I know, to just about everyone here, I’m always being so stupid.

[Once the's done wiping the tears away, he continues to softly stroke Otonashi's cheek in hopes to reassure him.]

I believe you and you're never stupid to me. Maybe reckless sometimes. [He smiles a little more, warm and fond.] But always so kind and caring.

[His gently fingers move to brush hair away from Otonashi's face.]

I know you didn't mean for this to happen. But it's okay now. I promise.

[ he means to give somewhat of a pout and a weak huff when Ruca points out that Otonashi can, in fact, be reckless, but it quickly becomes clear that his heart is hardly in it. his “huff” comes as more of a shaky sigh, and any attempt to pout reads more fragile than indignant.

inevitably, he gives up on it. ]

Hey... Ruca? [ when he opens his eyes again, he looks between Ruca and the bedding between them once, then twice, as he summons the courage to ask something he rightfully shouldn’t. before he speaks them, the words feel alien and undeserved. ] Can I... Can I ask for one selfish thing?

[At the silent request, Ruca gives Otonashi a curious look as he continues to stroke his hair.]

Sure. Anything you want.

[The words come out so easily for him and he smiles at the other boy just as warmly and fondly as before.]

I’m... really tired. [ not sleepy, exactly, though he probably could fall asleep if left by himself and without much else to be responsible for. Ruca would let him, even encourage him, but before the offer to go ahead and rest can be made, Otonashi shakes his head firmly. ]

I started a good thing, I’ve saved a few lives... I’m glad my existence has been worth something. [ he is careful to use the term “existence,” since his time here is too far removed from what his life had been. life, afterlife, Lunatia. separate times, separate existences, each one influencing the next in a domino effect. ]

If I disappeared, I’d probably be fine with that. Those things and those people would carry on without me because they’re... more than me, it’s all bigger than I am. But, I’ve never... been with someone just because I made the choice, or I wanted to. I always just have to, or it’s the world twisting me and the people around me to think what we feel is love, but then they wake up from it and realize it’s not... me that they want or care about.

[ specifically, he says nothing about his own feelings on the matter. in a cruel sort of way, he still carries them, artificially induced or not. ]

Um... [ is he talking too much? he almost certainly is, fidgeting with the blanket and looking away to avoid Ruca’s gaze. ]

[Ruca listens carefully, his hand slips lower to Otonashi's shoulder. He still traces light patterns into it, as if to say that he's not like those other people.]

I would be sad if you disappeared. [He repeats.] I want you to be around, I want you and I care about you.

[He draws closer when Otonashi starts avoiding his gaze.]

But I'll understand if it's not what you want. I don't want you to feel like you need to be with me out of kindness. I want to help you find real happiness... even if it's going to be difficult.

[He looks away.]

It wasn't easy for me either.

[His gaze shifts to the other again.]

But you deserve to be happy and I'll do my best to help you.

[ his mouth moves, but no sound comes forth to fill the space as if Ruca himself had snatched Otonashi’s words away from him. the moment Ruca looks away, the redhead moves forward with more urgency than he truly needs to, placing a hand on each of Ruca’s shoulders and struggling not to wholeheartedly embrace him.

‘why?’ he could ask, but quickly decides against it.

’how?’ ... does it matter?

it doesn’t. if asked, Otonashi would be the first to admit that feelings can be irrational, changing, evolving. ]

Can I... [ bringing his hands up to gently cup Ruca’s face, Otonashi leans in to hover his lips over the other teen’s, hesitating before they can do more than brush. ] ... try?

[He stops breathing when Otonashi moves so close, their lips almost touching. He doesn't know how long it takes him to finally answer.]

...Y-yeah.

[Though maybe first he should tell Otonashi about Tanjiro. That would only be fair, but the moment, the closeness makes him forget about everything else for the time being.]

[ he can feel the hesitance, the shock; moments ago, that same stunned silence had been Otonashi’s own, passed between the two of them in the time he had tried to work up to nearly admitting what he feels.

tilting his head, Otonashi leans in to claim Ruca’s lips, beginning slowly at first to be mindful of the other’s reaction. barring any physical or verbal objection, as long as everything feels safe enough, he presses into it with a little more intent, letting his eyes comfortably close in the moment he has. ]

[It surprises Ruca himself how easy it is to just close his eyes and melt into the feeling of lips against his own. He still isn't good at this, but this is not his first or even second time either.

His response is shy but still somehow eager, wishing so badly to make Otonashi realize just how loved he is.

Ruca's heart is so loud in his chest. For a second he wonders if the other boy can hear it too.]

[ while he cannot exactly hear the beating of Ruca’s heart, he can feel the light pulse running through his neck and the heat in his face, urging him to place a gentle, curious hand against the other teen’s chest to cover it. his pace slows with his breathing as he tries to calm Ruca, taking the silent cues, focusing and following them.

his movements are always gentle, because they always had been when he operated the way he should without the world coercing him or intervening. gentle is what Otonashi fundamentally is with others, and by now he had at least enough experience to know that proceeding slowly is safer, better, even if the other party gets frustrated with him for it.

safer, but not safe enough, perhaps. he pulls away slightly, brushing his tongue lightly over Ruca’s lips to sever any saliva trail between them. ]

[Every kiss is different. That's what Ruca realizes as he melts under Otonashi's gentleness. In this very moment everything is so warm and soft, but he can't help wondering if Otonashi feels the same.

The boy takes a sharp breath when he feels the tongue against his lips and his dazed mind finally starts connecting to the reality again. His face is bright red, but soon he looks at Otonashi with worry.]

Otonashi, I-I... I need to tell you something.

[The worry on his face changes into fear. He doesn't want to hurt Otonashi. He cares about the other so much, his heart would break if Otonashi suffered because of him. But this is also why he needs to tell him everything.

Just like Tanjiro said it's best if everyone's on the same page.]

[ the worry seeping into Ruca’s expression isn’t lost on him. pulling back a little more, Otonashi shuts his eyes, telling himself to keep breathing if only to not worry Ruca further. if the tension shows too much, Ruca may not say what he needs to.

swallowing the anticipated rejection with a weary, forced smile, he lets his hands drop to his lap, holding his own stomach for his own support and to act as a barrier, if it’s needed. he can flee and give space quickly. ]

Sure... You can tell me anything.

[It's hard not to notice how Otonashi's behaviour changes as if bracing for something and Ruca immediately reaches out to grasp his hand as he tries to move closer again.

For a moment he doesn't know how to say it without unintentionally hurting the other boy so he tries to explain himself by asking first:]

Would it be... okay for me to love more than one person?

[He drops his gaze as if admitting to something shameful.]

I know you said that having... relationships with multiple people is a better option here, but... I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me.

Ruca, I’m fine... [ he has to dig for it, but for Ruca, he manages to find the strength to brighten his smile and outwardly perk up. ]

I told you that being with one person seemed dangerous in a place like this, where contact is survival and more intimate contact is... like life-saving treatment.

[ his smile falters here, his eyes tightly shutting again.

”You didn’t come over to talk.”

he remembers her resisting, her instability, her trying to tease him. banter had been easier, so he’d used it as a litmus to gauge how she was feeling in a way that felt safe. he didn’t know what he was doing. he still doesn’t.

he never does. what a bitter, miserable thought he tries to smile through anyway, adjusting his support over his stomach even as Ruca reaches for his hand. ]

So if that’s what you’re doing, then you’re just being smart about the reality here. I know it’s not your idea of love... I’m sorry. Sorry I had to be the one to break it to you.

[ while he is genuine, his tone soft and even, he cannot be completely remorseful about the reality of life here. Ruca had to know, and it’s better he learn gently than feel the sting of betrayal. ]

I told you, it’s... forbidden for me either way. Hah.

Edited 2020-09-20 13:18 (UTC)

[He shakes his head.]

It's not what I'm doing at all. I... want to be with you but... there's one more person I want to be with. [He frowns to himself. He's already talked about it with Tanjiro, he made himself clear.

And he doesn't buy that it's forbidden for Otonashi. Shouldn't the rules be different here?]

I know it's selfish of me to even ask such a thing, but... would it be okay? Would you be fine with it?

[He cracks a smile.]

You're right that it's not what I wanted love to be like... But the same time, I really feel that strongly about you and that other person. It's selfish of me to be with both of you, but right now I... I really can't imagine my life without you two.

[Tanjiro told him that these feeling had to be true and Ruca wants to believe in it no matter what.]

It’s not selfish. Isn’t that what I told you to do? Go try to find someone you like.

[ he had asked Ruca for three things: to forgive zaShunina, to go find people to love, and if it would be permissible for him to attempt a gesture of love while Otonashi had his own mind, uninfluenced, and not under pressure to spare someone’s life.

for a moment, he hadn’t been thinking, and just as before, it had been so pleasant not to. it’s the very feeling he pined for and mourned upon being disconnected from zaShunina: a space in which nothing was expected and he could feel rather than string together wholly conscious thoughts. ]

So you’re just doing what feels right to you, and I’m...

[ trying it out, but expecting to get burned every step of the way. the sentiment never manages to find voice, neatly kept within his whirlwind of thoughts. ]

Um. Am I... apologizing to someone for kissing you? Multiple people? I can do that. If they need to throw a lamp at my face or something, then—

[ .... an out of control, hazardous whirlwind of thoughts. ]

I found people I like.

[It wasn't influenced by anything else, just pure feelings and longing to be with his special people. It's almost amazing how fond he is towards them and how deeply he cares about them.

He brings himself closer in order to touch Otonashi's forehead with his own.

...But then upon hearing the other's words he blinks and pulls away a little.]

What...? No, why would you...

[He blinks again and an idea pops in his head. Maybe Otonashi doesn't want to be with him like that. It makes sense. He said he was tired, tired of people wanting something from him. And now Ruca wants to take something from him too, he wants love, care and attention even though he got so much of that from Otonashi already.]

...Ah, o-of course... [He lets go of Otonashi's hand.] ...Of course you don't want me.... I-I'm so sorry, I assumed...

[Now his cheeks start burning out of pure shame. He's always jumped to conclusion before actually making sure.]

Because—

[ Ruca finally releases his hand, he’s certain the inevitable rejection he had been waiting for his coming in the next breath.

”No, I’ll tell them myself,” he can imagine Ruca saying, never one to miss an opportunity to apologize for a perceived slight. ”They’ll only throw a blanket at my face. That way you don’t get hit with a bookshelf for coming onto me.”

Otonashi can even imagine Ruca’s face going pure white in horror at the thought of someone abusing a bookshelf in such a way to use as a weapon. truly a terrible fate.

the response he gets instead catches him completely by surprise, enough to make his breathing cut out and leaving him utterly dumbfounded. ]

... Ah? What?! Are you being serious right now?! I can’t believe this...

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject