demonicbookworm

-Ah...

[ he attempts to give an affirmative answer, voice dry and hoarse, but his speech still doesn’t quite turn out as intended. his grip on Ruca is weak, slow, and clumsy at first, but he tries, opting to sort of nuzzle into Ruca. Otonashi can do that much without trouble. ]

So...rry.

[ better, but it’s the same sort of answer he’d expect out of Ruca. ]

[He shakes his head, then pulls away just a little to look at Otonashi. One of his hands reaches to touch the other's cheek, brush the hair away from it.]

Don't apologize. You're okay now. That's what matters the most to me.

[And he smiles, bumping his forehead and nose to Otonashi's.]

[ Ruca’s grateful expression and accompanying gestures of affection shouldn’t surprise him, but they do. Otonashi is certain his stare must look a little vacant, distant even, as he tries to work through his emotions with less proficiency than he’s used to. it takes him longer than he’d like to respond in earnest.

even so, he finds that his fears of being too vulnerable or not enough for the people around him are markedly absent. in the ways that expectation and obligation follow him, they just don’t seem to with Ruca. slowly (but no less earnestly), he leans back against Ruca’s forehead, sighing, shivering, and biting back the distant threat of tears.

he won’t allow himself to state so plainly that he’d been terrified, but his body language speaks for him well enough. ]

Keep doing this... I keep— [ he coughs dryly. ] —doing this.

[His smile grows a little more concerned as the time passes, but he tries to stay positive. He can tell that it was a scary experience and he can hardly find it surprising.

So Ruca keeps on stroking Otonashi's cheek and hair, fingers brushing gently.]

Shh. It's okay now. [His voice is quieter.] I... won't lie and say that I wasn't worried, but... it's in the past now.

[He bumps his nose again against Otonashi's. A small, fond gesture as he tries to keep his smile in place.]

Rest now, okay? Relax. And then I'll make you breakfast. You're probably hungry.

[ Otonashi wants to swear at his own shaking and lack of control over himself. he’s not afraid to die, he’s not afraid of petty things like losing whatever “life” he has on the temporary basis that he does, or of being hurt, yet he’d been scared.

this had been so different, a death without complete loss of awareness. an out of body experience where he watched a world continue without being able to fully interact with it. would anyone even believe him?

but he can feel Ruca’s hand against his skin, nose brushing against his, fingers stroking through his hair and tracing along his cheek. he can feel it and not just observe it, so he leans his cheek into it, finding that he could fall asleep in earnest just like this. ]

Let me help. [ he takes a deep breath, triggering another dry cough. ] When I can feel my legs again, I’ll do it this time. You’ve already done a lot, haven’t you?

[Ruca would believe it. He's feeling sad that such horrible things keep on happening to Otonashi, so he wants to make sure that the other doesn't have anything to worry any more and can relax instead.

So there's more comforting touches and soft smiles from him. And when Otonashi offers, Ruca closes his eyes leaning closer.]

I don't think I've done that much... but let's do it together.

Edited 2020-09-16 09:58 (UTC)

[ Otonashi shakes his head when Ruca insists he hasn’t done much. that motion comes easily, just as the tightening of his grip on the other teen when he leans in to embrace him. his strength still feels a little uneven, but it improves minute by minute. ]

No, Ruca, I saw you... sometimes. Even if I couldn’t move or talk to you.

[ even his speech sounds a little clearer than it had when he’d first been able to use his body again. ]

You could’ve just tossed my body on the couch and gone about your life, but you didn’t.

So it really was you... I could feel your presence.

[There were times when he thought that maybe he's seeing things, but... everything is possible here, right?

Ruca shakes his head.]

You know I couldn't have done that. Never.

[Abandoning Otonashi or anyone like that would just be awful.]

Edited 2020-09-17 09:24 (UTC)

Even after all the trouble living with me has caused you, huh?

[ the abduction and Otonashi’s consequent absence, his forced scarcity and loud complaining (both in words and in literal whines), and of course, the box that shook some of Ruca’s innocence: Otonashi isn’t always the easiest person to be friends with.

he isn’t as frustrating and overwhelming as so much of his 3S friends can be, he knows. but he must be exhausting to deal with, carrying a record like that.

his grip tightens that much more. ]

But... you still want to be here. You’re always trying really hard, and you don’t even... get mad. Somehow.

[Thought it's true that some events impacted Ruca much more than he would like to admit, he's never felt like it was Otonashi fault. So he shakes his head.]

I've never thought that living with you has caused me trouble. I like having you around and being around you.

[His sincere as his own grip tightens in return.]

Why should I be mad?

Because that would be the normal reaction I’d get.

[ he confesses easily, uncertain if he had ever plainly divulged the anger he receives for his actions or if he truly had managed to keep it neatly sheltered from Ruca. the frustration, born often of worry (but not always), had always been Otonashi’s to own, not Ruca’s.

Ruca had seen Lucy angry, upset, and (rightfully) disgusted with Otonashi. he couldn’t spare that instance. his grip weakens a little, an unspoken gesture of giving freedom to move away or feel something other than relief, if Ruca needs to. he had been so certain a punch or hit was coming his way. ]

I thought I was going to disappear, and... maybe you’d be angry with me for vanishing, too.

[But instead there's an anguished look on Ruca's face as the boy presses himself even closer to the other.]

Otonashi... I'd be sad if you vanished. I wouldn't be angry... because why would I be?

[Otonashi makes him worry and sometimes sad, but it's mostly because Ruca wants to help the other boy.]

I wish I could do something to protect you from all those horrible things that happen to you. I want you to be happy...

[ this time, Otonashi doesn’t press the issue or question why. he abstains from offering reasons why it would be fine, and he distinctly avoids mentioning offering to give up his placement here to spare someone else, knowing it’s beyond him. it would never be his decision to make.

holding Ruca against himself to try and comfort him, Otonashi shakes his head a little, letting his breath brush over the other teen’s hair. ]

I keep telling you not to worry about that, that it isn’t your responsibility... I just thought, maybe, this time... it was this place telling me it was my time to go.

[ and if it was his time to disappear, there’s something strangely poetic about his very being rebelling against it and clinging on to his body. he’s certain that if she’d been here to see it, Yuri would have been proud. ]

I’m pretty good at wasting lives. What a talent to have.

[Silent for a moment, Ruca breaths in and out slowly, taking in the warmth of the other boy, his solid presence.]

Then I'm glad it wasn't the case. I'm glad you're back.

[He pulls away just a little to look at the other.]

Thank you for being here.

[Suddenly he recalls similar words spoken to him. He remembers that when he woke up after he had been stabbed by Hasta, Spada was hugging him close and telling him how happy he was that Ruca was alive.

At that time Ruca felt his heart warming by the sentiment. It was the first time in his life when he felt that someone really wanted him around. If Ruca could only convey the same feeling with his words and actions, so Otonashi would realize that he is also loved and wanted by someone.]

... What?

[ Otonashi heard Ruca. he understands the meaning of the words being spoken to him on a fundamental level, but he finds that all he can do is stare back at the white-haired boy. there are no words of disparagement, no urgency for him to get up and return to normal and operate optimally, responsible for entirely too much and yet somehow not enough.

it was always more, more, more. give more. do more. he has to. he always had to, this should be no different. there should be anger, but there isn’t. he should be scolded for his absence, but it never comes. people want him, they need him. he knows that. he needs to be okay when people rely on him to be.

but love and being wanted without expectation is something else entirely. he isn’t sure when he feels tears at the edges of his eyes, but he brushes them away with the back of his hand. no. none of this. not again.

it’s foreign, but familiar. he’s felt all of it before. as much as he had tried to stop himself from tearing up again, they come faster, trailing down his cheeks as he continues to gaze at Ruca, stunned.

thank you. ]

Ruca..? I... I’ve been really, really stupid.

[Tears are a little unexpected to say the least, but it surprised Ruca only for a short moment. He bumps his nose lightly against Otonashi's and brings his hand up to gently wipe away the tears from the other's eyes.]

It's okay. Everything is okay.

[He brushes his thumb softly under Otonashi's eye again and again. Then he tries to smile a bit.]

You're here. Nothing else matters to me.

[ rather than fight against Ruca gently trying to dust his tears away, Otonashi closes his eyes. too tired to fight and seeing no benefit in trying to cast away kindness when he cannot hope to shield Ruca from knowing what had happened this time, he allows himself the freedom to relax.

in one deep sigh, he lets out all of his breath and just lets himself go still. it lasts only a short moment before he takes another breath in, but it gives him the time to steel himself. ]

I ... I didn’t mean to. [ to “die,” or to worry Ruca. in apologizing for something so completely out of his control—effectively, apologizing for his own death—Otonashi has given away his right to scold Ruca for apologies for at least a little while. ] I didn’t do anything or run into anyone, or get into trouble... I slept the night before, I ate, I didn’t do anything. I swear it, but— you really don’t have to believe me. I know, to just about everyone here, I’m always being so stupid.

[Once the's done wiping the tears away, he continues to softly stroke Otonashi's cheek in hopes to reassure him.]

I believe you and you're never stupid to me. Maybe reckless sometimes. [He smiles a little more, warm and fond.] But always so kind and caring.

[His gently fingers move to brush hair away from Otonashi's face.]

I know you didn't mean for this to happen. But it's okay now. I promise.

[ he means to give somewhat of a pout and a weak huff when Ruca points out that Otonashi can, in fact, be reckless, but it quickly becomes clear that his heart is hardly in it. his “huff” comes as more of a shaky sigh, and any attempt to pout reads more fragile than indignant.

inevitably, he gives up on it. ]

Hey... Ruca? [ when he opens his eyes again, he looks between Ruca and the bedding between them once, then twice, as he summons the courage to ask something he rightfully shouldn’t. before he speaks them, the words feel alien and undeserved. ] Can I... Can I ask for one selfish thing?

[At the silent request, Ruca gives Otonashi a curious look as he continues to stroke his hair.]

Sure. Anything you want.

[The words come out so easily for him and he smiles at the other boy just as warmly and fondly as before.]

I’m... really tired. [ not sleepy, exactly, though he probably could fall asleep if left by himself and without much else to be responsible for. Ruca would let him, even encourage him, but before the offer to go ahead and rest can be made, Otonashi shakes his head firmly. ]

I started a good thing, I’ve saved a few lives... I’m glad my existence has been worth something. [ he is careful to use the term “existence,” since his time here is too far removed from what his life had been. life, afterlife, Lunatia. separate times, separate existences, each one influencing the next in a domino effect. ]

If I disappeared, I’d probably be fine with that. Those things and those people would carry on without me because they’re... more than me, it’s all bigger than I am. But, I’ve never... been with someone just because I made the choice, or I wanted to. I always just have to, or it’s the world twisting me and the people around me to think what we feel is love, but then they wake up from it and realize it’s not... me that they want or care about.

[ specifically, he says nothing about his own feelings on the matter. in a cruel sort of way, he still carries them, artificially induced or not. ]

Um... [ is he talking too much? he almost certainly is, fidgeting with the blanket and looking away to avoid Ruca’s gaze. ]

[Ruca listens carefully, his hand slips lower to Otonashi's shoulder. He still traces light patterns into it, as if to say that he's not like those other people.]

I would be sad if you disappeared. [He repeats.] I want you to be around, I want you and I care about you.

[He draws closer when Otonashi starts avoiding his gaze.]

But I'll understand if it's not what you want. I don't want you to feel like you need to be with me out of kindness. I want to help you find real happiness... even if it's going to be difficult.

[He looks away.]

It wasn't easy for me either.

[His gaze shifts to the other again.]

But you deserve to be happy and I'll do my best to help you.

[ his mouth moves, but no sound comes forth to fill the space as if Ruca himself had snatched Otonashi’s words away from him. the moment Ruca looks away, the redhead moves forward with more urgency than he truly needs to, placing a hand on each of Ruca’s shoulders and struggling not to wholeheartedly embrace him.

‘why?’ he could ask, but quickly decides against it.

’how?’ ... does it matter?

it doesn’t. if asked, Otonashi would be the first to admit that feelings can be irrational, changing, evolving. ]

Can I... [ bringing his hands up to gently cup Ruca’s face, Otonashi leans in to hover his lips over the other teen’s, hesitating before they can do more than brush. ] ... try?

[He stops breathing when Otonashi moves so close, their lips almost touching. He doesn't know how long it takes him to finally answer.]

...Y-yeah.

[Though maybe first he should tell Otonashi about Tanjiro. That would only be fair, but the moment, the closeness makes him forget about everything else for the time being.]

[ he can feel the hesitance, the shock; moments ago, that same stunned silence had been Otonashi’s own, passed between the two of them in the time he had tried to work up to nearly admitting what he feels.

tilting his head, Otonashi leans in to claim Ruca’s lips, beginning slowly at first to be mindful of the other’s reaction. barring any physical or verbal objection, as long as everything feels safe enough, he presses into it with a little more intent, letting his eyes comfortably close in the moment he has. ]

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